life is with people

how would you live if you were alone?

is there any difference between my answer to this question, and how I live now?

what distinguishes the occasional day where I feel interested in what clothes I put on, feel like cleaning the apartment?
I have been looking for a while for a way to say something about this, I say something about how wanting to be presentable, to have a clean home, has to do with society, civilization. feeling part of.
maybe: on those days, I feel like there are other people-
with me.
in the world.
in my world.
from whom I want something. ah. want as the ground of with.

today, most days, what do I want from anyone? and so, what interest in 'preparing a face to greet / the faces that you meet'?

Didion on self-respect: To assign unanswered letters their proper weight [yes], to free us from the expectations of others [yes], to give us back to ourselves [please] -- there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect [integrity, or what you may call my belligerence?]. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw [terror]: one runs away [yes I will - stop.] to find oneself, and finds no one at home. posted to katecutrer @ 8:26 AM 15 Nov 05

and what of the great, the singular power of desire?
having given myself back to myself, having assigned to unanswered letters and expectations of others little weight -- too little? better to have others whose opinions do very much matter, in whom to find a theatre for action?
otherwise- rest without activity, day like wide water.

-to be not engrossed, I want other people with me - 2/17 below
-hold [an mage of myself] in the mind of someone I love:"the theatre of all my actions "- 2/21 below